If You Believe It Does
by Sephyranthus
Summary: Eddie is dying after being impaled through the gut by Pennywise. These are his last thoughts.


Everything is so dark, except for those bastard blue lights flickering above us. Those fucking deadlights. I thought I had finally ended it all, and I was so damn proud. I'm so fucking stupid, and I'm going to die down here with that fucking clown. IT impaled me through the gut while I was proudly claiming victory right above Richie, and he had to see it happen. My blood splattered all over him and on his glasses. Of all people, he was the one to see it happen. And now he's here with me while the others figure out a way to finally kill IT.

There's so much I want to tell you, Richie. I just can't do it – mostly because of this massive hole in my chest, but also because I'm still so terrified. I don't want this to be your last memory of me. I want you to remember me as the brave person I always wanted to be. I could tell you how much I've always loved you and how embarrassed I've always been about that, but that's not what you need. We don't need to cry about what we never had, because we did have it. Well, more like I was the one to have it. You've always been looking out for me, and I've always been too much of a chicken shit to really be there for you. I want to tell you this but honestly it's getting really hard to breathe right now. Maybe I really should tell you that I love you, but don't you already know that?

I'm such a fuck up. I love you, Richie, but I can't say it. My vision is starting to fade and the wound in my chest is starting to hurt less and less. I guess that means I'm dying. At least you're holding my shoulder, Richie. You're trying to keep me awake and it honestly breaks my heart to hear you talk to me this way. Please insult me. Please make fun of this situation. I know I'm going to die here and I don't want you to die down here with me – at least allow me to give you that. I want my death to mean that you can live.

I loved you even when we were kids. Honestly I think I'm more of a coward now than I was back then. I can't believe I forgot about you. We all forgot about each other, yeah, but when I saw you again it was like a light went off inside my head. I remembered how we used to make fun of each other. I mostly did it so you couldn't tell how much I loved you – did you know that? I bet you did. You know me the best. After our reunion the other night – before we went off to look for the clubhouse with everyone – I actually sat down and wrote down my memories of you. Fuck, you'd laugh at me so much for that, wouldn't you? Well I did. I fucking poured out my heart and soul for you on paper and really planned to give it to you. It's in my pants pocket right now actually, but I don't have the energy to give it to you, or even tell you that it's there.

Everyone's screaming at Pennywise now and your grip on my shoulder is getting tighter. I can tell you want to go tear IT apart. I've never seen you so tense before, and it makes me love you even more. Every time you've protected me I've fallen in love more and more. Please notice that I have a note in my pocket. Please! I don't want to die this way. I don't want you to see me die and think I've never loved you. I was going to leave with you. I couldn't bring myself to go back to Myra after remembering all of this. It's so fucking pathetic of me to marry a woman who is the epitome of my mother. That's not love – that's a cage.

I know I don't have asthma. I know I don't have allergies. None of that was real. All it ever did to me was make me feel extremely dependent. It made my mother feel like she could keep me around in a way she couldn't keep my father. I even stood up to her as a kid when I found out they were just lies – _gazebos_. I threw my fanny pack into the bushes before we went back to Niebolt to fight IT, thinking we were going to finish it off for good. When no one was looking I went back to that house and picked up ever y single pill and brought my fanny pack home. I'm a fucking wreck. Richie, you deserved to love someone better than me. You still do.

I think they've figured it out but I don't think I can hear anymore. I can't even hold my head up. All I know is that Richie is holding my shoulder so tight and I'm not even trying to hold his jacket against my gaping wound. Is Pennywise getting smaller or is my vision just fading completely? I really think we did it this time. At least I can die knowing that I got to see you again, Richie. If we had actually killed it the first time around I never would have remembered you. I guess dying like this isn't so bad.

He's run from me now. I can see him join the others at the splash, and – holy fuck. I see Richie tear its arm off. I'm pretty sure it's the same one that went right through me. I can't help but smile, just a little. Fuck, if only I could get this note out of my pocket, but I just can't move. I can't even move my head anymore.

I love you so much, Richie. We did it. IT is dead. The fucking clown is dead.

Richie, I…


End file.
